Hello there, sexual partner!
You get priority access to me just like a direct family member does. This is because sex is important to me.
If you’re a girlfriend or wife of mine, you are welcome to call me directly at +1-773-257-3232. As you may already know, I am likely to answer your calls about 33% of the time. A text message is likely to be responded to within a few hours, unless you did not respond to my last text. Kindly check your text message history and see if you have a message dangling that I sent. If so, please respond to that and I will address you in a time frame equal to the delay you valued me with.
If you are not a girlfriend or a wife, a text message at the above number is preferred. Unfortunately, I only try to keep 20-25 people saved in my contact list, so calling me will likely be ignored (or worse). In the text message, please state your name and what you need. Remember that I do not do booty calls, although I would love to see you when my schedule allows.
If you haven’t heard from me in a period of 2 or more months, I am sorry to say this: we have broken up. I know it’s difficult to grasp, but it isn’t you, it was completely me. I’ve changed, and you stayed the same (or, you’ve changed, and I’ve stayed the same).
If you used to be a girlfriend or wife, or lover or mistress, or fuck buddy or friend with benefits, please visit the I’m a platonic friend, and we haven’t seen each other in 6 months or more page for contact information.
Other things to note:
- I know you love me, and you should know that I care about you quite a bit!
- Yes, I do know how sexy I am, and yes, you are lucky to have me!
- Wow, it’s terrible that you had a bad day at work, but I’m sure it’ll get better soon.
- You know that she always is complaining about something, just ignore her.
- Wow, I can’t believe it’s on sale and it’s that cheap! If you can afford it, and you’ll use it, I’m encouraging you to buy it. What a deal!
- Nope, I have no idea who that music performer or actor or politician is. I’m sure it’s great that they did whatever it is that they did that made you notice them.
Applying for Sexual Partner Status
Whoa, you want to bang me! Great! It’s very validating that someone like you would be interested in a man like me. I appreciate the attention.
Chances are, if I was attracted to you, I have already flirted with you and waited for a response. If I was denied, I am unfortunately unable to consider our relationship to be anything more than platonic, even if you lost weight, got a boob job, grew your hair out, or suddenly became interested in me. I’m sure there are many wonderful guys in your sphere of friends who have wasted many-a-Kleenex dreaming of their chance with you. Ask around!
If, by chance, I did not flirt with you before because you were a total cunt, or overweight, or had a manly haircut, or some other strange and unattractive reason, I would recommend that we just get together as platonic friends (have we seen each other in 6 months? or have we not seen each other in 6 months?). If for some strange reason I find myself desiring an extra sexual partner, and I find myself interested in you, you will know it because I will approach you from a non-platonic angle.