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Where are all the “good” men?

Where are all the “good” men?

The amateur Ev-Psych blogging community is really slam-dunking lately with regards to relationship inequity and dysfunction.  Even though we’ve got the Internet supposedly bringing people closer together, what I really see is a big gap between the left hand and the right hand: one hand is asking “where are all the good guys!” and the other hand is saying “the good guys are hard to come by, lower your standards” — but they’re not saying it to each other.

I recently read some good amateur commentary in regards to the plethora of single and very unhappy women — look at how many men are in jail (and how many of those are typified by the “alpha” descriptive!).  Then look at how many women have higher educations.  Now add in the obesity epidemic and consider that women are more likely to be obese than men, and that “women’s perceptions of an ‘ideal’ female body are larger than men’s perceptions of the ‘ideal’ male body” according to that article.  After you take away the non-violent men who are in jail for voluntary activities, remove the guys who aren’t in the running due to lower education or lower tiered job, and then mix in the attractiveness imbalance between what a woman thinks is sexy and a man thinks is sexy, you end up with fewer guys than gals in almost any given market (San Francisco and other tech hubs notwithstanding).

On top of those legal, financial, educational and attraction differences, we also have to consider ages — there are probably more men in their 20s who fit in the low status tiers than men in their 50s, although of course there are likely more single men in their 20s than in their 50s.  Still, once you consider this additional concern, you’ll understand why my number one response to women who can’t find good men is: don’t date in urban areas.  Urban areas: the bright lights and plentiful access to entertainment that seems to attract the most social, most artistic and most risk-taking minds from the non-urban outlying areas.

Let’s also hypothesize that social drug use in urban areas is more common in urban areas where supply is easier than in non-urban areas.  Combine the higher use with the higher number of police officers, and you likely have an even lower supply of possibly acceptable men (I don’t think most women would have an issue with casual marijuana smoking, akin to casual alcohol consumption) versus available women.

Why is it so easy for a woman to find a great guy, but not keep him?  Consider the relationship economics of the situation: you have a higher supply of available women than available men — putting men in higher demand; you have a division in short term desire versus long term desire (both women and men will hook up with someone beneath their long term standards if they just want or need sex), you also have the unknown factor that you don’t know if a partner wants to be with you for more than one night (only proven in the long run).  If a man is in high demand, and there is a large supply of women for him to date, what are the reasons for a man deciding on one woman over another?

As I say it often in conversation: if you love hot dogs, and there are 50 hot dog stands within walking distance of your home, you are unlikely to be committed to one stand.  On the other hand, if you love hot dogs and there’s only 1 stand within walking distance, you’re probably “stuck” with that choice.  The same is true in dating: if you want an educated, financially stable, tall, good-looking and confident man, doesn’t it make more sense to attack a market that is underserved by your competition versus serving the one that already has a plethora of competition?

When I have women ask me what they should do to find good men, I always have the same advice, which is common with practically every Ev-Psycho amateur blog’s advice:

  1. Lose weight: we know that men have a different attraction level than women do when it comes to not just superficial attraction but long term commitment needs,
  2. Stop sleeping around: men who commit want women who have “protected the egg” — don’t think that guys don’t already talk about random women and their sexual histories with their guy friends,
  3. Grow your hair out: men typically want feminine features on a woman, and the short hair thing is often criticized by other men when we experience a friend dating a short hair female (“she looks like a young boy”),
  4. Don’t be an attention whore: pink hair, visible tattoos, odd piercings and scandalous social outfits are only going to lose the attention of guys who want more than a hook-up,
  5. If you have sexual hang-ups, get them treated by a professional.  I can’t repeat this enough to women who say “I don’t do that” when they tell me about how they had to tell their boyfriends no.  Sure, there might be a few things in bed you actually don’t want to do, but when it’s a list a mile long, it quickly dispels a man’s long term desire for the woman.  Plus, it’s a subliminal clue that you HAVE done it with someone(s) before, which leads to men believing he’s just found another gal who gave her body away freely when she was younger, prettier, skinnier, and tighter: why should he have to buy the cow when the milk’s been free for the taking?  In actuality, it’s better to tell a guy “I haven’t tried that” and try it anyway — and THEN say “Wow, I didn’t really like that.”  At least you don’t come off as the used cow.
  6. Don’t have family issues.  If you and mommy dearest don’t talk, fix that relationship.  If you’re daddy’s little girl, fix that and become independent,
  7. Don’t swear.  Seriously, it’s unbecoming of a woman and puts her in the man-camp,
  8. Have way more female friends than male friends.  Weak males will usually not see excessive male friends as a problem, but strong men won’t deal with that.  It’s not a matter of competition, it’s a matter of a woman who isn’t good enough for other women, so she needs to surround herself with other guys who are beneath her but will listen to her emotional vomit,
  9. Get rid of or hide any photos on your social network accounts that make it look like you have low standards.  Photos with you hanging out back stage at a concert?  Dump ‘em.  Oh look how cut it is when she’s throwing up in the toilet last weekend!  This is a topic that no one talks about, but I’ve talked to dozens of men just this year who said they ditched a new gal because she was obviously busted up inside — just based on the photos she shares.
  10. Find your femininity again: wear dresses that look good on you, learn to apply make-up conservatively, wear heels but not 8″ stilettos, get a feminine hair cut (grow it out first, of course), accessorize (we may not notice your earrings, necklaces, nail polish — but it matters), etc.
  11. Never flake.  A good man doesn’t give a second change to a flaker — it’s a fatal decision for any future.  I don’t care if your guinea pig died or your car was blown up by a foreign government: if you make a date, you will go on that date, no excuses.  If you have to cancel, you will immediately request a new date and you will be the one to take care of the guy, who has plenty of other options and has no problem telling you to kiss off for good.

Basically, don’t be that girl.  Finding great men is a competitive market for women.  It’s easy to find a one night stand with a hot guy, it’s way more difficult to find  relationship with an average but still great guy: thanks to the Internet, more and more of the average-but-great guys now understand that there is competition for their hearts.

Nothing I’m saying here should be anger-inciting because it’s all based on the economics of relationships: supply and demand both in what sex of person we want to be with, as well as the more limited supplies of health, attractiveness, biological function and attitude.

A good man is hard to come by, and he has more options than anyone but the hottest of women.  If there are things in your attitude, lifestyle or diet that are reducing your value versus your competitors, do what is necessary to change the things that can be changed and you might end up finding that great guy you want for the long term.

Related posts to peruse:

  1. Thank you, Sean Maher, for being gay
  2. Two parents in the workplace: a net loss?
  3. Rahm Emanuel plays on lowering the sales tax, by raising it
  4. In Response to “The Hypocrisy Of American Feminism”
  5. The U.S. Misery Index: Ignorant Data
About A.B. Dada

A.B. Dada resides in Chicago, Illinois and manages a multitude of businesses involved across a wide range of industries.


  1. uh says:

    Christ, they’ll never make it past item 1.

    i mean lozlzozlzozlzlzlzz

  2. Some of this is good advice, some of this is a little outdated, in my opinion.

    There are two main things I take issue with: one, the supply of men and women is roughly equal. Prison might tilt things a little, but this post seems to be addressed to more educated women, and imprisonment creates more of a problem for women of a lower educational class. When you talk about more women having higher education, you are artificially drawing your lines to make it seem like men with an education have some sort of advantage. There is no reason why a “good man” can’t be found among those without a college degree. College degrees are often silly anyway, having only an artificial value in an environment where businesses use them to screen applicants. A woman with a “higher educational” degree in comparative gender studies may very well not have placed herself too far above working men. A glimmer of hope!

    The second thing I take issue with is what I consider an outdated view of sexuality. I fully support any effort to get little girls over their sexual hang ups so they can actually become women, but to a certain extent this is at odds with the idea that they need to “protect the egg”. A woman without sexual hang ups, if she has a sex drive, is probably going to enjoy herself a little. And in my experience, that stopped being a problem for guys a while ago. Maybe my view of the world is colored by the people I know; maybe this is more of a problem in the Bible Belt than it is where I live, but I simply do not know any guys who are turned off by a woman with a sexual history. To be honest, when I was on the market, I was immediately turned off by virgins. I figure that, past a certain age, a woman who has not had sex simply does not want it badly enough. And a woman who does not want sex badly is less likely to be a satisfying partner after that dreaded two-year mark.

    My advice to women: there are plenty of good guys who took another route through life other than college, and if a man, who himself is almost guaranteed to be open to promiscuous sex, will not accept you because you enjoy having sex before finding “the one”, he probably is not one of those “good men”. Find yourself something better.

  3. just to clarify says:

    I won’t deny that I take issue with a lot of what you say here and elsewhere. I actually ended up here by following a string of “its so shocking but I can’t look away” articles but I admit it has me thinking. The one thing I would like to clarify is your stance on women not sleeping around. You profess to be non-monogomous and have a nice little contact section for sexual partners (noting if you haven’t contacted them in 2 months you are officially broken up… Nice touch) and the fact that they may need to find you online to contact you suggests their numbers may be great. Are you expecting these women not to have similar numbers of men in poly or non-monogomous relationships? You claim men gossip about girls sexual history and yet chastise monogamous couples. You say sex is for pleasure, bonding, etc but tell women if they partake too often with too many partners they are never going to be attractive enough. Could you clarify? I may not agree with much (most?) of your viewpoints on women, sexuality, etc that I have found but I would very much like to understand them.

    • A.B. Dada says:

      I have to read my own article to give you a good response, ha.

      The thing is, there is scientific evidence that women bond harder and stronger than men do, for good biological reasons. Women have an egg that needs 9 months of feeding and protecting to birth, and then they have a baby that needs 8-12 years of nurturing and support. Women only make a few hundred eggs total in life.

      Men, on the other hand, produce tens of million of sperm a day, and once they ejaculate, that’s it. Biologically speaking, men are disposable.

      Therefore, it makes sense for men to spray their seed constantly, but for women to protect their egg hardcore. That’s probably why females bond stronger than men do. Women who have too many partners appear to lose the ability to bond like women do, and end up “bonding” like men do. That lowers their value in the sexual marketplace, whereas a man who is desired by many women tends to be desired by even more women.

      The sexual marketplace is sexist. Plain and simple. Women are EXPECTED to protect their rare egg, and men are EXPECTED to spread it.

      I’ll re-read what I wrote to try to clarify more. Hope that helps.

      • just to clarify says:

        Wow thanks so much for the quick reply. If it is all a market place then the fact that men can (and should? By what I understand from you) sleep around indefinitely with many women but women are only allowed a limited quantity of men before they have betrayed their eggs… Isn’t there a numbers problem that arises? Forgive me… Its nearly 3am so my ability to conclude what that would be is limited but it seems that even any small differential in the starting numbers of men or women in the viable population… the extreme lack of balance in acceptable numbers of partners would inevitably be problematic. It seems it would inevitably “sacrifice” some women to undesirability because men need more women to sleep with and the “desirable” ones cannot match that without betraying their eggs or bonding like men. Therefore, some women would have to sleep with many many more than the “acceptable” number of partners in order to satisfy men without harming the pool of desirable, egg protecting women. Correct? I hope that makes sense… it seems to be difficult to word coherently

        • A.B. Dada says:

          Well, there are a few things about my social viewpoint that a lot of people disagree with, but I’ll continue.

          1. Historically and evolutionarily speaking, MOST MEN NEVER HAD CHILDREN. Historically. If you look at genetic evidence, most of us come from a small percentage of the same ancestor MALES. One man had many women, many men had no women.

          2. Socially speaking, a popular man has many women who want him, an unpopular man has no women who want him.

          3. Unpopular men have mostly older women who “accept” them — usually because those women failed to land a popular man (too much competition from other women).

          4. Men were generally the royalty and the money earners for a long time, and the successful ones were quite capable of maintaining multiple wives.

          5. Typically speaking, from a testosterone hormone perspective, men want sex a lot more than women want sex. A man can keep up with 4 women, but a woman generally can not keep up sexually with 4 men.

          In my research, about 3% of men are “naturals” meaning they are confident and aggressive and able to shrug off failure. Most other men are timid and afraid of women, so they’re only competing with each other, whereas popular men don’t compete at all because they know there’s a line of women wanting to meet them.

          • just to clarify says:

            It is a very interesting perspective. A lot of what I have read from you feels instinctively wrong. While a significant amount it I am certain stems from fundamental differences in perception, I am aware that other parts are the result of cultural training that I have yet to challenge. Thanks for taking the time to clarify your point of view… It has given me a lot to ponder.

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