The amateur Ev-Psych blogging community is really slam-dunking lately with regards to relationship inequity and dysfunction. Even though we’ve got the Internet supposedly bringing people closer together, what I really see is a big gap between the left hand and the right hand: one hand is asking “where are all the good guys!” and the other hand is saying “the good guys are hard to come by, lower your standards” — but they’re not saying it to each other.
I recently read some good amateur commentary in regards to the plethora of single and very unhappy women — look at how many men are in jail (and how many of those are typified by the “alpha” descriptive!). Then look at how many women have higher educations. Now add in the obesity epidemic and consider that women are more likely to be obese than men, and that “women’s perceptions of an ‘ideal’ female body are larger than men’s perceptions of the ‘ideal’ male body” according to that article. After you take away the non-violent men who are in jail for voluntary activities, remove the guys who aren’t in the running due to lower education or lower tiered job, and then mix in the attractiveness imbalance between what a woman thinks is sexy and a man thinks is sexy, you end up with fewer guys than gals in almost any given market (San Francisco and other tech hubs notwithstanding).
On top of those legal, financial, educational and attraction differences, we also have to consider ages — there are probably more men in their 20s who fit in the low status tiers than men in their 50s, although of course there are likely more single men in their 20s than in their 50s. Still, once you consider this additional concern, you’ll understand why my number one response to women who can’t find good men is: don’t date in urban areas. Urban areas: the bright lights and plentiful access to entertainment that seems to attract the most social, most artistic and most risk-taking minds from the non-urban outlying areas.
Let’s also hypothesize that social drug use in urban areas is more common in urban areas where supply is easier than in non-urban areas. Combine the higher use with the higher number of police officers, and you likely have an even lower supply of possibly acceptable men (I don’t think most women would have an issue with casual marijuana smoking, akin to casual alcohol consumption) versus available women.
Why is it so easy for a woman to find a great guy, but not keep him? Consider the relationship economics of the situation: you have a higher supply of available women than available men — putting men in higher demand; you have a division in short term desire versus long term desire (both women and men will hook up with someone beneath their long term standards if they just want or need sex), you also have the unknown factor that you don’t know if a partner wants to be with you for more than one night (only proven in the long run). If a man is in high demand, and there is a large supply of women for him to date, what are the reasons for a man deciding on one woman over another?
As I say it often in conversation: if you love hot dogs, and there are 50 hot dog stands within walking distance of your home, you are unlikely to be committed to one stand. On the other hand, if you love hot dogs and there’s only 1 stand within walking distance, you’re probably “stuck” with that choice. The same is true in dating: if you want an educated, financially stable, tall, good-looking and confident man, doesn’t it make more sense to attack a market that is underserved by your competition versus serving the one that already has a plethora of competition?
When I have women ask me what they should do to find good men, I always have the same advice, which is common with practically every Ev-Psycho amateur blog’s advice:
- Lose weight: we know that men have a different attraction level than women do when it comes to not just superficial attraction but long term commitment needs,
- Stop sleeping around: men who commit want women who have “protected the egg” — don’t think that guys don’t already talk about random women and their sexual histories with their guy friends,
- Grow your hair out: men typically want feminine features on a woman, and the short hair thing is often criticized by other men when we experience a friend dating a short hair female (“she looks like a young boy”),
- Don’t be an attention whore: pink hair, visible tattoos, odd piercings and scandalous social outfits are only going to lose the attention of guys who want more than a hook-up,
- If you have sexual hang-ups, get them treated by a professional. I can’t repeat this enough to women who say “I don’t do that” when they tell me about how they had to tell their boyfriends no. Sure, there might be a few things in bed you actually don’t want to do, but when it’s a list a mile long, it quickly dispels a man’s long term desire for the woman. Plus, it’s a subliminal clue that you HAVE done it with someone(s) before, which leads to men believing he’s just found another gal who gave her body away freely when she was younger, prettier, skinnier, and tighter: why should he have to buy the cow when the milk’s been free for the taking? In actuality, it’s better to tell a guy “I haven’t tried that” and try it anyway — and THEN say “Wow, I didn’t really like that.” At least you don’t come off as the used cow.
- Don’t have family issues. If you and mommy dearest don’t talk, fix that relationship. If you’re daddy’s little girl, fix that and become independent,
- Don’t swear. Seriously, it’s unbecoming of a woman and puts her in the man-camp,
- Have way more female friends than male friends. Weak males will usually not see excessive male friends as a problem, but strong men won’t deal with that. It’s not a matter of competition, it’s a matter of a woman who isn’t good enough for other women, so she needs to surround herself with other guys who are beneath her but will listen to her emotional vomit,
- Get rid of or hide any photos on your social network accounts that make it look like you have low standards. Photos with you hanging out back stage at a concert? Dump ‘em. Oh look how cut it is when she’s throwing up in the toilet last weekend! This is a topic that no one talks about, but I’ve talked to dozens of men just this year who said they ditched a new gal because she was obviously busted up inside — just based on the photos she shares.
- Find your femininity again: wear dresses that look good on you, learn to apply make-up conservatively, wear heels but not 8″ stilettos, get a feminine hair cut (grow it out first, of course), accessorize (we may not notice your earrings, necklaces, nail polish — but it matters), etc.
- Never flake. A good man doesn’t give a second change to a flaker — it’s a fatal decision for any future. I don’t care if your guinea pig died or your car was blown up by a foreign government: if you make a date, you will go on that date, no excuses. If you have to cancel, you will immediately request a new date and you will be the one to take care of the guy, who has plenty of other options and has no problem telling you to kiss off for good.
Basically, don’t be that girl. Finding great men is a competitive market for women. It’s easy to find a one night stand with a hot guy, it’s way more difficult to find relationship with an average but still great guy: thanks to the Internet, more and more of the average-but-great guys now understand that there is competition for their hearts.
Nothing I’m saying here should be anger-inciting because it’s all based on the economics of relationships: supply and demand both in what sex of person we want to be with, as well as the more limited supplies of health, attractiveness, biological function and attitude.
A good man is hard to come by, and he has more options than anyone but the hottest of women. If there are things in your attitude, lifestyle or diet that are reducing your value versus your competitors, do what is necessary to change the things that can be changed and you might end up finding that great guy you want for the long term.