Blame the Shysters



Everywhere I turn lately, I see people spreading anger and discontent at one group or another — either in the specific, such as Cisco’s latest decision to move router maintenance to the cloud, or in the generic, such as what the Republicans want to do with vaginas or what the Democrats want to do with, well, vaginas.

In each case, though, it’s not really the proper to place the blame specifically on the group of individuals who are flying the banners of change that one disagrees with. Whether it’s your cell phone company over-billing you or your airline company cancelling a flight, the problems you’re facing that cause you such anger can always be blamed on another group that most people ignore or are just ignorant of: the shyster lawyers.

When you turn on an electronic appliance or open a freshly installed program for the first time, what’s the first thing you do after opening the box or downloading the installer? You click on a Terms of Service agreement. You know, that horrendously long article of legalese that you typically just scroll past or click next a half dozen times before you get to the agree button? Written by shyster lawyers.

When an airline cancels a flight, leaving you without a way home (or worse, to your vacation spot), the airlines back up their mistreatment by flying their Contract of Carriage in front of your face. You read that before buying the ticket, right? Written by shyster lawyers.

When a cop pulls you over for speeding, you’d think that the law he’s charging you with violating is written by some well paid Congressman somewhere, but if you actually read the law, you can’t understand it. That’s because the law was finalized by shyster lawyers. Many of your political representatives were previously shyster lawyers (or still practice). If they don’t have the privilege of being a shyster lawyer, they leave the actual verbiage up to the shyster lawyers they work with.

Cisco’s fall out this week over their decision to move router maintenance to the cloud was a failed technical decision, but most tech bloggers are pointing at the Terms of Service modifications that Cisco forced down their users’ throats. Guess who wrote those? Shyster lawyers, not some geeks in a clean room closet banging away at code.

Can’t get out of your health club membership? Contracts written by shyster lawyers.

Usually, whenever I use the term shyster, I get a little push back from people who are either shyster lawyers themselves or rely on the income of shyster lawyers. The most typically attack is that I’m being anti-Semitic. A quick look through history shows you that the term shyster is not about a race in any way. It’s derived from the German wordScheisser, which means “defecator.” That’s also a pretty accurate root base — shyster lawyers create only one thing: language that’s composed of complete shit.

Ever read a “simple” contract that you’ve signed? I’m helping a family member purchase a home. They’ve hired a lawyer to represent them. They sent me some documents their lawyer told them to sign. I read them, and told them don’t sign the documents for any reason because they’re one sided (for the banks). Their lawyer threw his hands up in the air and said “everyone signs them!” The shyster lawyer bastard is charging them $800 and telling them to sign an agreement that protects the bank. That’s shit, that’s a shyster.

The next time you have to sign something, try to read all of it. Let me know if you’re able to understand 20% of it. Try it out on your cell phone contract, or your health club membership — even try it out when checking into a hotel or going to your doctor’s office. Shyster lawyers are embedded in every industry, in every market, in almost every daily activity that requires some sort of agreement between two people.

Of course, the root cause of the massive industry of shyster lawyers is the fact that governments are involved in contracts (so-called justice can’t be meted out without a contract, it seems). If you want to buy a car, the purchase agreement is a contract written by shyster lawyers, and since you don’t hire a lawyer to help you defend your rights, the dealership has all the power.

Still, is it the dealership’s fault that they had the money to hire a shyster lawyer and you didn’t? Of course not. This is how shysters work: they focus on the biggest fish in the sea, and help them eat all us little fish up because we can’t afford their useless and shit language.

You can’t win since you have no choice in signing a contract, most of the time. You need a cell phone, you need a car, you need a roof over your head, you need your cavity filled, you need your hotel room on vacation and a plane to take you there.

But there’s an option.

I present to you: shyster shaming. It’s what I’ve been doing for the past 2 years, and now I do it almost every day. Whenever I meet a lawyer — even if they’re family or friends of friends, I call them out on their tyranny-focused position. I let them know that I despise the job of the shyster (I don’t even add the word “lawyer” anymore) and that I’d rather they be prostitutes or drug dealers or urinal mint replacers than shysters. They’re always offended: “I went to school for 5 years!” I’m sure that’s true, but most of us learn to wipe our asses in a few days, and eventually we toss the shit into the toilet, not onto an agreement that forces peaceful and kind citizens to turn over their rights to corporations, governments and powerful individuals.

Go ahead, try it sometime. Tell it to that neighbor of yours, tell it to your cousin who just passed the bar and is on his way to defending the poor. They’re mostly all the same: useless vermin that should be avoided, ignored, shamed and verbally abused by the masses who are under their ever watchful eye. When the masses learn to hate them as much as I do, maybe something will change; maybe young and intelligent individuals will decide to start a business rather than waste 5+ years in school learning how to pillage the wealth from the weaker classes through impossible to read and comprehend “language.”

Related posts to peruse:

  1. The Uselessness of Contracts
  2. Another LendInk-aggressing indie author: Charles Buckett
  3. Progressive Privilege
About A.B. Dada

A.B. Dada resides in Chicago, Illinois and manages a multitude of businesses involved across a wide range of industries.

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  1. [...]  This is what’s wrong with this world: instead of debating, we want to go consult with shyster lawyers.    As if those bastards haven’t done enough damage to a once-agreeable [...]

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